Once upon a time, I was free. Free to do anything I wanted. My emotions got good space to be felt, by heart. Words did not overburden my brain. It was all free-flowing. But then it occurred to me, “Damn! I am working now”. With every passing week, all that my mind thinks about recursively is about “How to plan projects?”, “What meetings are to be set?”, “Goals to be set for each day”, etc. Then the weekends come. And my entire weekend (mostly) is spent on covering up the pending tasks. And one day, a realization strikes, “Is it not too soon to give up on your space? I mean Life has just kickstarted. I have a long list of dreams to be accomplished. How do I switch my tone from the ‘Office’ to the ‘Real-me’?”
Even though I sound that my life has been super-busy, I feel like I am not able to give the most Optimal output in the professional space. And this is the point where I am stricken by despair. I mean, in the part of my life where I am investing my 70 percent of the day, I am not even satisfied with my performance. I go through an internal struggle with myself every day. A strong bifurcation of my original version needs to be done. One part of me is trying to conquer weaknesses that might drag my professional career down, and the other is battling to keep myself remembered. So at times, when I feel lost amidst the chaotic weekday frame, deep in my mind I ask myself with a sense of concern, “How are you doing Kanishka?”. And when my answer to such questions is negative, I tell myself, “It is okay, girl! I am your biggest and your closest companion. I can feel how you feel at this moment. You will be okay Kanishka (Giving myself a tight hug, in imagination)”.
Every passing week, I wonder, “Why am I not getting the space to let my heart out with my writing? Where are my words gone? Where can I find my lost emotions, the connectivity to my soul?”. Then someone close to me suggested, “Either you have the ‘Intent’ that is missing, or the ‘Time’ to free your soul from all the bewilderedness.”
I am sure it is not the ‘Intent’ that is hampering my way of expression. It is definitely the ‘Time’. Solving the puzzle to my confusion, ‘intent’ goes hand-in-hand with the ‘time’. If I cannot take out time to be with myself in peace, I cannot push myself with an ‘intent to write’. The heart always needs time to heal from the things that are hurting you. Being stuck in a zone where self-questioning never fades away will not give me an urge to appreciate my thoughts and let me be expressive.
I guess the Real Challenge that every adult goes through is “What the World says, and how does it speak with you”. The act of suppressing my true self when the world questions me takes me down the lane of self-destruction. I need to rise from the learnings I earn and balance it with how I bring amendments in myself constructively.
It is all about being Strong enough to Create a Balance between the internal and the external force. Both the forces are equally powerful. But it definitely needs the intention to soothe my anxiety that arises from the wrongs I commit, and the attention I need to give to the soul I lose track of.
In the end, keeping aside the reality checks offered to me on a timely basis, my life has been pretty smooth, and fun too. At times, a few experiences bother internally. But that does not pause my attitude for gratitude. I thank each & everyone who has been a part of my existence till today. Having a supportive team at the workplace, unconditionally loving family, friends to lean on, and last but not the least, my own spirit, shining bright as sunshine. At times, clouds might grey the tone of my sky. Yet I am sunshine. I will fight my way, shine through the gaps in the clouds and clear out the dullness that fades me away.
And while nothing works out, we can focus on something that keeps rushing through us. Our breath.
कई साँसों में तो ज़िन्दगी गुज़र जाती है.
एक गहरी सांस की ही तो बात है,
ज़िन्दगी एक पल में सवर जाती है।
Thank you Readers,